I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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