When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize