There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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