I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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