You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
