Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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