I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
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I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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