I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
