Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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