he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
