So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
a search helicopter?!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
