Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
