Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That accounts for only three of the penises
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
