So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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