Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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