Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
