one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
