Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
