$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
