You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
