You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
