I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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