Moan for me like Helen Keller
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
