The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
