***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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