I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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