You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
