I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
