I wish I could teleport
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
