there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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