i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
