He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
