Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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