Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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