Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
