it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
