He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
