I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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