never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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