break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I would fuck him just for his dog
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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