my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
