my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
