there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
