The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
