thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
