Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
