No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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