why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
