The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
