WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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