Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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