omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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