Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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