I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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