if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
