If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
