my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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