great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
