Betty ford says i'm here all night
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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